Hey Sexy! And Other Misadventures of Jar Jar Binks
by Potentially Insane Fangirl
Summary: A collection of strange and stupid Jar Jar stories my friends and I put together. Join Jar Jar as he gets beat up by old women, gets fired, goes Christmas shopping and so much more! DISCONTINUED
1. Story 1: Hey sexy!

A/N: This is the first story of my very strange Jar-Jar series. Originally, this story was going to be a one-shot on it's own, but after a couple of people asking me, I've added a few more. I'm sorry to tell you Jar-Jar haters, but he does not die in any of these stories, seeing as I don't hate him that much (in fact, I don't really hate him at all, I just enjoy making fun of him). It's mostly just him making a fool of himself (as usual). I don't own anything here, got it?

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It was yet other normal, horrible day for Jar Jar Binks. People burning figures of him, people throwing rotten tomatos at him, and people mooning him on the street. Right now, Jar Jar was just trying to find a bathroom to wash off that tomato (and a bit of dung that some how got in there) off his face.

As he was walking, he past by a room where Anakin Skywalker and his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi were talking. Jar Jar, being a curious Gungan and all, stopped to listen for a minute. He stood behind a wall while the men talked

"So anyway," Anakin said to his master. "What do you think of Padme?"

"Well I'll admit, she is quite attractive, but not my type." Obi-Wan replied. "Why do you ask?"

Jar Jar, who was still listening, thought about Padme's beautiful body and drooled a little.

"No reason." Anakin said quietly, his face turning a light pink.

"You wouldn't happen to be, oooh, interested in her would you?" Obi asked, smirking a little.

"No! Of course not! I-I'm a Jedi remember?" Anakin cried out, his face turning from pink to a bright red. Obi-Wan just grinned.

While Jar Jar was listening, Mace Windu walked by, stepping on Jar Jar's foot (you see, he didn't even see him, and even if he had he probably wouldn't have cared). Jar Jar let out a cry in pain and hopped about on one leg. Anakin and Obi-Wan, hearing the noise, looked out the door. But by then Jar Jar had already hoped off on one leg to find some band-aids that you couldn't see him. Obi-Wan and Anakin shrugged and walked back into the room.

"Well I'm off." Obi-Wan said to his Padawan, getting his coat on . "Have a good day."

"Wait!" Anakin stopped his master. "I was just wondering, um, say I know this man, we'll just call him, um, Panakin, wants to know how to get this woman to like him-not Padme in paticular mind you-" He added, blushing again. "Just, any woman."

Obi-Wan smiled and sat down.

"Is this Panakin a Jedi? Because he should realize by now that that's ille..."

"No, no! Of course not master. He just wants Pad-, uh, I mean this woman to like him as a good friend..."

Obi-Wan sighed and shook his head. _"Might as while play along with him, if he must learn the hard way."_

"Well, maybe first I would tell her how good she looked that day. Then take her out for a nice dinner. Then, when you really got her, tell her she's sexy."

"Sexy, master?" Anakin asked, now interested. Right at that moment, Jar Jar came back, limping on his now bandaged up foot. Unfortunately, he didn't catch all of what Obi-Wan had just said and was about to be very misled.

"Yes, sexy." Obi-Wan replied.

_"Sexy?" _Thought Jar Jar. _"Whata isa thisa word? Mesa neva heard it before."_

"You see, when I was younger, I was quite the ladies' man. I would go around yelling "Hell-ooo sexy. You wouldn't believe how well that worked." Obi-Wan gaze happily into space. "Yep, those were the days."

Anakin looked at his master in amazement and awe. Jar Jar had the same look on his face too.

_"Wow!" _Jar Jar thought. _"Thata soundsa kickass! Mesa haveta try this_

With that, Jar Jar walked off to find someone to try the word out on.

Jar Jar walked for a long time, trying to find someone to talk to. But everytime he did, they ran away from him in fear(as usual). Finally, after searching awhile and having many tomatos thrown at him, he finally found someone. This person was a rather fat little lady with curly grey hair. She didn't seem to notice Jar Jar (that's probably why she didn't run away) so Jar Jar took this as a chance to try his new word out on. He cleared his throat, stood up straight, and yelled out to the lady.

"Hey-ya sexy!" He called loud and clear as the woman looked up at him in shock. "Wassup!"

The result was a scream of pain from Jar Jar and the scream of "PERVERT!" from the fat lady.

The woman had Jar Jar in a tight headlock while the poor stupid Gungan screamed for help. Hearing the screams of help, Obi-Wan and Anakin came running to the rescue. By the time the two Jedi got there, the woman was already on top of Jar Jar, beating the lovin' crap out of him. Wasting no time, Anakin and Obi-Wan worked together to try to get the fat lady off of Jar Jar.

Finally, after quite awhile, the two men managed to get the lady off of Jar Jar.

"Why the hell were you doing that for?" Obi-Wan asked the woman, his hand on his hip. The woman didn't answer, but instead gave Jar Jar one last punch and ran off, shooting Jar Jar "the finger" as she ran.

"What did she do that for?" Anakin asked the Gungan as he helped him up. "Did you say something to her?"

"Mesa didn't do anything." Jar Jar whimpered pathetically. "All mesa do wasa tell her that shesa wasa very sexy."

"You called her _what?" _Anakin cried out, his eyes wide open.

"I can't blame her now for doing that to you." Obi-Wan said quietly, looking at Jar Jar as though he was nuts.

"But, mesa thought people liked being called that." Jar Jar said, looking up at the two with big eyes. "Mesa thought it wasa nice thing to call people."

The two men stared at him with shock for a moment. Then finally, they burst out into laughter.

"Ooooh man, you totally messed up there man." Anakin said, still laughing. Finally, the two men walked away laughing, leaving a very poor confused Jar Jar just sitting there.

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**THE END! YES, I KNOW IT WAS SHORT, BUT THAT'S HOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE.**


	2. Story 2: Binks gets fired

**A/N: Thanks MoonBeamGirl13 for giving me the idea. Hey ya'll, it's stupid and crappy, but enjoy it anyway! XD I don't own Star Wars or George Lucus (well no duh!), but Tiff Aero is mine**

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"Mesa is fired?" Jar Jar Binks whimpered as he looked into the eyes of George Lucus. "B-but mesa big bombad star!" 

George sighed and shoke his head sadly.

"I'm sorry Jar Jar, but that's just the way it works out. We just don't need you anymore."

"But yousa keeping Ani." Jar Jar said as he pointed to Anakin Skywalker, who was currently on the sofa, playing "Super Mario World" and drinking a case of the finest beer.

"Yes, I know," George replied, still shaking his head. "but I still need him, like for the cartoons, books, Christmas specials, toys, etc., etc., ya know? The stuff that you're not in. Get it?"

Jar Jar looked at him blankly and blinked stupidly. George smacked his own head and groaned in disbelief.

"Listen Binks!" George cried out, causing the Gungan to jump back a little. "You're not needed here. We're done with you! YOU'RE FIRED DAMMIT!"

"But mesa can be useful. Mesa berry, berry useful. Just ask, um, Yoda! Yeah! Yo Yoda, tell Lucus mesa good bombad actor!"

Yoda chuckled as he walked by, along with two very sexy looking female models beside him.

"Ruined Star Wars, you did. Sucks crap, you do!"

Jar Jar's jaw dropped as the green creature said that.

"O-oh yeah? Well yousa suck too!" Jar Jar yelled as a come back. "Yousa suck real bad!"

"Okay Binks, I think you made your point, now it's time for you to go." George said, rather annoyed.

"But-"

"I SAID GO!"

Jar Jar yelped in fright and ran to the door, followed by George.

"Okay Binks, there's the door, use it." George said as he pushed Jar Jar out the door.

"Wait, where will mesa go?

"That's your problem, not mine." George said simply. With that, he slammed the door on Jar Jar's face, leaving him out in the cold."

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It'sa not fair!" Jar Jar mumbled as he walked down the busy streets of New York. "Mesa have no where to go."

He sighed and sat down on a bench.

"I guess mesa will sleep here tonight."

The Gungan sighed again, closed his eyes, and went to sleep. He wasn't asleep for long though...

"Sir, are you alright?"

Jar Jar eyes popped opened and he rubbed them.

"Yeah, mesa just..."

He stopped talking suddenly as he looked at who the voice was coming from. Standing there was the most beautiful young woman he had ever seen. She had bright blue eyes, short brown hair, and pink painted nails.

"So, are you alright?" The woman repeated, looking at him with concern.

"Oh yeah, mesa okey-dey now!"

The woman laughed and smiled.

"That's good. When I first saw you just lying there quietly, I thought you were dead."

"No, mesa berry alive. Hey, waita sec." Jar Jar said as he looked her over again. "Aren't yousa Tiff Aero, the big bombad singer?"

"Yep. that's me." She laughed, nodding. "I was just taking a break from recording when I saw you. I wouldn't think it's the warmest night to be out, though."

Binks was about to reply, until a cold wind blew past him, causing him to shiver a little.

"Oh, you poor thing!" Tiff cooed, drapping her own jacket over him. "Are you homeless?"

"As of a few hours ago, yesa."

"Well listen, why don't you stay at my house? There'll be food, a 50 inch TV, and a bed to sleep on. Whadda you say?"

Jar Jar's face lit up and he jumped up off the bench.

"Yesa, okey-dey! Mesa would love to stay with yousa!"

"That's great!" She replied, taking his hand in her's. "Let's go!"

"Wait," Jar Jar stopped her. "how many beds do yousa have?"

Tiff grinned slyly.

"Only one."

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"Hey, there's a letter for all of us!" Padme yelled as she ran into the room where the other Star Wars characters (and Lucus) were.

"Lemme see!" Anakin yelled, grabbing the envelope from the girl's hand. "I wanna see who it's from!"

After reading who it was from, Ani sighed and rolled his eyes.

"It's just from that Jar Jar retard dude."

The was a sound of annoyed groans through out the room.

"Okay, let me see it." George said calmly, taking the letter from Ani's hands. "He better not be beggin' to come back." He added uder his breath.

As he opened it up, he found a CD inside.

"What's this?" He asked himself, but before he could read it, it was grabbed out of his hands by Anakin (gee, what a surprise --).

"Yay! CD!" Ani squealed girlishly as he grabbed it away from the now pissed off George. "I wonder who the singer is?"

What Anakin saw on the cover almost made his eyes pop out of his sockets. There on the cover was Jar Jar's ugly mug right beside the most gorgeous woman, Tiff Aero! The case of the CD read:

**JAR JAR AND TIFF'S NEW HITS! With brand new songs like "Mesa Happy Ending", "Why Can't Mesa?" and "Oops! Mesa did it Again". OVER FIVE MILLION COPIES SOLD!**

"WHAT THE HELL?" Anakin screamed, dropping the case on the floor. "Jar Jar's a singer!"

There was quite a bit of uproar in the room after Anakin said that.

"Okay, okay, quiet down!" George said, waving his arms in the air. "Why don't we just read the letter it came with?"

The gang all nodded and he began to read. This is what it said:

_Deer bombad Star Wars stars,_

_Itsa mesa, Jar Jar Binks riting 2 yousa 2 say yousa all suk! Mesa bombad singer now wit my new fiance Tiff Aero. Anywho, thanksa for kicking mesa out, now mesa gonna be bigger bombad stars den yousa! Kissa mesa ass!_

_Signed, _

_Jar Jar Binks_

_P.S., mesa let big fart in yousa faces_

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**I hope you enjoyed this piece of crap. See ya:)**


	3. Story 3: Mesa's 12 Days Of Xmas

**A/N: Co-written by my friend Victoria (actually, she did most of it). Sing to the tune of "The 12 days of Christmas".**

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On mesa's first day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's second day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's third day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's fourth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's fifth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's sixth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa six Jedi robes, five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's seventh day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to me seven books on "How to Become a Jedi", six Jedi robes, five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's eighth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa eight percent of her heart, seven books on "How to Become a Jedi", six Jedi robes, five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's ninth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa nine slaps across the face, eight percent of her heart, seven books on "How to Become a Jedi", six Jedi robes, five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump

On mesa's tenth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa ten divorce papers, nine slaps across the face, eight percent of her heart, seven books on "How to Become a Jedi", six Jedi robes, five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's eleventh day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa eleven models in bed, ten divorce papers, nine slaps across the face, eight percent of her heart, seven books on "How to Become a Jedi", six Jedi robes, five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

On mesa's twelfth day of Christmas mesa's true love gave to mesa twelve bags of emptiness, eleven models in bed, ten divorce papers, nine slaps across the face, eight percent of her heart, seven books on "How to Become a Jedi", six Jedi robes. five rusty rings, four broken lightsabers, three sandmonsters, two starships and a dead frog on a tree stump.

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**I know it's not Xmas yet, but I thought this was funny and I posted it up. :)**


	4. Story 4: Jar Jar's special Xmas

**A/N: A special little Jar Jar Christmas fic to get you into the spirit ;) I don't own Star Wars. Takes place around Episode II.**

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"Whatsa thisa Christmas yousa speak of?" Jar Jar asked Anakin as he helped him put decorations on the tree. "Mesa wanna know."

"It's an old Earth holiday." Anakin replied, trying to reach the high branches. "It's originally about the birth of Jesus, but now we've added other stuff to it."

"Like what?"

"Like spending time with friends and family, singing Christmas carols, reading stories to little kids about Santa Claus..."

"Doesn't sound that great to mesa..."

"... and giving and getting gifts."

Jar Jar's face lit up.

"Gifts?"

Anakin laughed at Jar Jar's excitement and turned back to the tree.

"Yep, gifts." He replied, contining to hang decorations. "We all give them to each other on Christmas day under this tree here."

He patted the tree and chuckled.

"Whensa Christmas?" Jar Jar asked, clapping his hands together gleefully.

"In two days."

"Wow!" Jar Jar cried out. "Mesa better get to the mall to get yousa guys some gifts."

With that, he jumped up (nearly knocking the tree over) and ran out the door.

"You better hurry!" Anakin called after him, walking up to doorway. "The malls are crazy this time of year."

Anakin was right, the mall was crazy. By the time our favorite retard got there, all that was left was a Paris Hilton Barbie, a rotten banana, and a pair of boxers with Elmo on them.

"Well, thisa sucks crap. Oh well, mesa guess mesa better get what there is."

As he was walking, he noticed a guy with a half empty milk shake. He was just about to throw it out when...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Jar Jar shrieked in slow motion, tackling the frightened man to the floor. "Don't yousa even think about throwing that away!"

"W-why?" The shocked man squeaked, squirming. "Is it recyclable or something?"

"No, mesa would like to buy it from yousa."

"Huh? Why the hell would yo-"

"Mesa will give you fifty bucks."

There was a short pause.

"...Make it fifty-five..."

"Deal!" The idiot said, placing the money in the guy's hand and taking the drink. The guy grinned and ran off, mumbling "moron" on the way. Jar-Jar (of course) took no notice and continued wandering the mall

"Good! Mesa now have one gift, but mesa needs lotsa more. Good thing there are lotsa garbages around here..."

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"Finally!" Jar Jar cheered on a bright Christmas morning as he ran out to the tree, his arms full of badly wrapped gifts. There he found Padme, Anakin, Yoda, and Obi-Wan sitting under the tree.

"Merry Christmas, Jar Jar." Padme greeted him, beaming. "We've been waiting for you."

Jar Jar smiled at everyone in the room.

"Thank yousa all for waiting for mesa. For that, mesa wantsa yousa all to open mesa's gifts first please."

"Sure." Said Anakin, shrugging. "It can't hurt."

Oh yes it can...

"Yousa first, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan smiled and took the gift from Jar Jar.

"Yousa won't believe what mesa got yousa.

Oh he couldn't all right. As he opened the gift, a card fell out, but remembering last time Jar Jar gave him a card (his eyebrows hadn't quite grown back), he chose not to open it.

"Um, how sweet. How 'bout I open the gift first, kay?"

"Yes!" Jar Jar cried, clapping his hands. "Open it first! Open it first!"

Obi-Wan did so. His eyes widened. There, in that gift box, was a pair of boxers with Elmo on them.

"My eyes!!" Obi screamed as his eyes turned red and puffy. "THEY BURN!! THEY BUUURRRRNNN!!"

And he fainted.

"Wow," Said Jar Jar as he looked at the shocked faces of the others. "Hesa musta really loved hisa gift. Okey-dey! Yousa turn, Yoda."

Jar Jar handed the little green thing a box. Yoda, seeing what happened to Obi, wasn't too sure.

"Come on!" Jar Jar urged. "Yousa will love it."

Sighing, Yoda nodded and opened the gift. It was the half full milk shake.

"Well, whatsa yousa waiting for? Try it!"

Yoda took a small sip.

"Banana cream, this is?" Yoda asked Binks.

"Yesa." Jar Jar replied, nodding. "Mesa hopes yousa likes it."

"Idiot, you are!" Yoda yelled as red pimples formed all over him. "Allergic, I am!"

And he past out.

"Haha, Yoda that joker." Jar Jar laughed as he stared at Yoda's half dead, twitching body. "Hesa real funny. Okay, yousa turn Padme."

"I dunno..." Padme said, looking at the bodies of Yoda and Obi.

"Come on!" Jar Jar pleaded. "Yousa will love it!"

"Fine." Padme sighed. "Hopefully I'll wake up in a good hospital." She added to herself.

"Yay!" Jar Jar cheered. "Yousa gonna be so surprised."

That's for sure...

"What's this?" Padme asked as she looked at the strange thing that was her gift. "I've never seen th-"

Suddenly, the thing throw itself onto Padme's face. She screamed and started to run around madly.

"Pretty cool, eh?" Jar Jar said as she screamed something about it layings eggs in her mouth. Finally, she ran herself into a wall and knocked herself out. "Mesa thought so too."

As he was saying that, Anakin had gotten up and started to slowly and quietly creep away from Jar Jarhead. Unfortunately, Jar Jar had heard him.

"Where do yousa think yousa are goin'?"

"Um, to the bathroom..."

"Not without opening yousa gift first yousa don't."

"I really need to go fir-"

"No, please, just open it."

"I really shouldn'-"

"Yousa should!"

"Maybe la-"

"Do it!"

"I don't thin-"

"DO IT!!"

"Really Jar Jar, I'll be right back and-"

Suddenly, Anakin felt himself being thrown to the floor, two disgusting looking arms holding him down. It was times like these that made Anakin wish he had brought his lightsaber.

"YOUSA WILL OPEN YOUSA GIFT NOW!!" Jar Jar screamed, lying on top the frightened jedi in an, ehem, awkward position. "AND YOUSA GONNA LIKE IT!!"

"Okay, okay!" Ani whimpered. "Please get off me."

"Yay!" Jar Jar cheered, jumping off him and handing him the gift. "Heresa yousa gift!"

Anakin sighed and took the gift from the Gungans hands.

_"Might as well just get it over with."_ Anakin thought to himself. _"It's not like it's gonna explode or something."_

So Anakin opened it up and-

"Hey Jar-Jar, why is it ticking?..."

KABOOM!!

Happy Holidays!


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